The best way to build self-confidence is to actually do things, do them with integrity, seek honest feedback, and give yourself a pat on the back when you’re done.
It helps to be around people who recognize your successes, but who also will give you constructive critical feedback when it’s appropriate: That way you know they aren’t just shining you on when they praise you, and you can do even better next time with what you’ve just learned, building even more self-confidence in a nice, neat, feedback loop.
People who wait until they feel confident to try things, who blow off praise when they receive it and avoid “negative” feedback will never get there. See, what you’re really going for is self-efficacy, which is by definition reality based. Self-confidence can be… completely in your own mind.
People who don’t do things with integrity, ditto. Use AI to write? You’ll never develop any confidence in your own skills–because you literally won’t have any. Lie about something you’ve done, exaggerate, or take credit for someone else’s ideas at work? Same.
The best way to build self-confidence is to actually DO things, do them with integrity, seek feedback, and give yourself a pat on the back when you’re done.
On the subject of patting yourself on the back, sometimes it pays to remind yourself exactly what you’ve done. I am aging with a disability, so strength and energy are limited. And my job’s demands have metastasized over the last six years, with no concomitant increase in hours (or pay). So an inordinate amount of not only the big stuff but also the ordinary, everyday maintenance-type stuff has not gotten done–not in the house, not in the yard, not with regard to my body, my vehicles, or my animal companions. School’s been out (and I unofficially retired) only since early May and yet, by yesterday, I was freaking out because OMG I Have Not Yet Done All The Things!
Obviously I am either incompetent, or lazy, or both, right?
It occurred to me, however, that I have done a bunch of things I wouldn’t have had the time for during the term, and I stopped and made a list. I found 18 items, some quick little tasks, others taking up to an hour to accomplish. Eighteen! Let me tell you what that did for my self-efficacy and my confidence that, as a friend of mind who retired years ago texts me every day, “It will all get done.”
This is where reflections come in: I recommend to students that they reflect in writing daily, weekly, monthly, annually, and at any other time frame/transition point that seems reasonable to them. We lose sight in the hurly-burly of our wins, our joys, our accomplishments, our kindnesses, our learning. Track ’em, for a better sense of who you are and how far you’ve come. It gives you confidence for when you sit down to plan whatever’s coming up next, whether it’s just the coming week or a big project.
Reflections are one of the best ways I know to build confidence.
Sitting around thinking about how confident I did or did not feel about any of the items on that list would not have got me here. Cutting corners or just giving any of it short shrift would not have got me here. Doing the things I did do and not stopping to consciously, deliberately give myself credit for them would not have got me here. Being around people who don’t recognize what I do certainly would not have got me here! None of these pieces work near as well in isolation–it takes something akin to an internal/behavioral/social system to build a self-confidence that is grounded in reality and can withstand the occasional setback.
The flip side of the confidence coin is fearfulness. Reflections will help you banish it.
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