I used to tell my late husband that on the luckiest day of my life, I met him, and that my happiest was the day we married… but that’s not strictly true. A wedding, if you’re in it, is an anxiety-inducing organizational and family-relations dumpster fire. We were just glad when it was over! I also told him that marrying him was the smartest thing I ever did, and that is true. I would have done it again in a heart beat, just by elopment next time.
But are there moments with him that I’d go back to and freeze? Only in my mind. When I revisit those, they delight me. But if I were stuck there, I’d miss everything that came after! Friends I hadn’t made yet, dogs I hadn’t had yet, a whole second career….
So nah.
In A.A., people will tell you, if you’re unhappy in the moment, that “You’re right where you are supposed to be.” Wanting to freeze some other moment implies unhappiness with the present moment, and so I would tell you that, too.
Erik Erikson believed that old age was when we faced the challenge of integrity vs. despair, which is to say, we have to figure out whether we’re satisfied with our lives, have lived a good one, or whether we are filled with regret. I think if you’ve had a happy life, there are probably so many good moments to look back on that you couldn’t pick one to freeze!
For example, I learned a practice many years ago in a journal workshop for therapists to list three “Pockets of Joy” at the end of the day: These were the kinds of delights a little kid might turn out of her pockets at bathtime. A pretty rock or dead bug for actual kids, but for us maybe more like…
- my parrot contentedly grinding next to me as I read in my favorite chair, by my favorite window
- the way Not My Cat™️ clambers over the back fence and gallops across the yard to greet me when I open the back door in the mornings
- cracking up over some post about outrageous Ass. Dean demand in r/Professors
Or a moment with Jody (the aforementioned husband)! Who’s to say? Surely in 35 years there were hundreds of those. Or with my heart dog. Or my last dog. Or that fabulous sunset. Sunrise. A full moon. Fireflies at Pine Log before daylight. Stars in a dark sky. A hike in a favorite wood (getting to the mailbox and back is about my limit these days). Three pockets a day over a lifetime is a lot of moments to choose from!
If you are in despair at my age, then the memory you’d seize on might almost be like wanting a do-over: Freeze time right before you effed up really bad that one time, when life was still good. But the evidence is that most of us actually get happier, and I’m fortunately one of those people, for the most part. This question, despair or integrity, can get triggered in our lives by anything that slaps our mortality down on the table in front of us, unavoidable, like the death of a spouse (been there, done that) or retirement (getting there in a couple of weeks now). But so far I seem to be navigating the challenges without feeling the need to regress to an earlier time and stay there.
Anyway. Just musings. I don’t have just one moment, and I don’t have any I’d genuinely like to freeze, just revisit from time to time, hold them close in my heart and smile.
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